Satirical News Post 1: British Glee as Weather Cools

British citizens have been jumping for joy at the return of the cold winter season. They are ecstatic to revive their moaning regime about the weather and lamenting it with others as a means of introductory chatter.

The summer heat rise in Britain allowed all to moan on a daily basis about the weather being just too darned hot. However, in the past few weeks, the weather has been steadily cooling, mixing sporadic sunshine and warmth with cooler winds. The mild weather has been too balmy to enable the British to truly grumble. Hale and Rayne Storm, who reside in Cold Blow near Tenby, Pembrokeshire, have stated that this hot summer and the impending glacial winter has saved their marriage; “We’ve been together for thirty years and there’s only a finite amount of words. The weather is always changing, it provides us with fresh material to speak about.”

The general population are now delirious at the prospect of record-breaking snowfall due throughout November, providing ample opportunity for protest. In fact, the community comes to the complete standstill as soon as the snow falls, creating absolute British pandemonium. Citizens sit in public domains, frowning into their teas, and grumpily glaring at children who deign to enjoy frolicking like deer’s about in the snow. 

BBC Health correspondent, Doctor Chills, has released a statement suggesting that snow be employed as an extra supply of water for British citizens. He suggests that “The snow may be used as a source of liquid for when our pipes freeze over during this cold months ahead, as long as the snow is not utilised until it has reached boiling temperature. I would however, like to warn the blind and the elderly that it is just not worth the risk of using any snow that has been tampered with. Snow which is brown or yellowish in colour is just not worth the risk to anyone’s health. In addition, the impact upon taste would be rather dire.”

Weather forecasters across the country suggest that the incoming snow ought to continue for the whole of November. However, from December, it is not clear as to how the weather will develop. But, they can guarantee UK residents that there should be abundant opportunity for maximum levels of moaning and groaning for the rest of the month.